As most of you know my husband died September 18. It was my turn to walk on the other side of hospice. He was diagnosed in May with cancer of the lung. At 89, we decided treatment would hinder his quality of living. At 89, any disruption of our “normal” can turn into a downward spiral. We wanted him to live his best life while he could.
It is interesting to me that with all my knowledge, I fell into the trap most people find themselves in: not wanting to see what is really happening. Intellectually I knew the signs and patterns of approaching death, but emotionally I kept pushing food and seeking engagement. AND experiencing the frustration those actions were building.
It took a day of anger to recognize I was concentrating on keeping him alive while he was preparing to die. It took anger to begin accepting what was happening. Actually, “accepting” is not the right word, because it will never be okay. Let’s use the word “understanding.” It took anger to understand what the future was bringing.
I knew all the signs of approaching death, of labor beginning. What I didn’t know was how much we don’t want to see those signs, and by not wanting to see them, we often don’t.
I knew he was dying, and dying soon. But I didn’t want to acknowledge just how soon. It was our hospice nurse that knew it would be days while I saw weeks. She saw hours when I saw days. Despite all of my knowledge, I was looking through the lens of denial. My husband couldn’t be dying now. She gently guided and supported us with her knowledge, people skills, medical skills, and kindness.
My wish in sharing this personal experience is that you, the reader, can benefit. That you, the reader, can find yourself in my story and see just how normal the difficult life of a caregiver is. I hope you see that our emotions have a great deal of power over us and can influence what we see, hear and do. Knowledge helps, but it is our emotions, under the surface, that guide us and tend to block us from seeing what we don’t want to see.
I want to thank all of you, whom I only know through this blog, who sent me encouragement and yes, love. I carry your kindness with me as I continue to walk this new path.
Something More... about When Our Emotions Blind Us From What is Happening
I have a request...
If you know someone with a loved one facing end of life, will you share this blog article with them?
If they don't know how to go about chosing a hospice agency, will you share this blog article with them? MOM NEEDS HOSPICE? Here are your questions to choose the right one...
And if they have hospice services but don't have "the hospice blue book" to help them understand signs of approaching death and what they can do for their special person, will you share the discounted bundle with them? End of Life Guideline Series by Barbara Karnes
19 comments
Thank you so much for all you do! I am so sorry to hear of your husbands passing. I first learned of you through our hospice for my father in law 12 years ago and have given your books out to many friends in the years between. They were again very comforting when I was going through my mothers dementia until she passed 2 years ago at the sweet age of 101. You helped us take away the fear of the dying process and embrace all the time we had with our loved ones. Again thank you so much. I will pray for you during this sad time and the months to come.❤️❤️❤️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Charlene for sharing my materials. A bit of knowledge can make a huge difference as end of life is approaching. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing and being honest about your denial. When I visited my sister for the last time I knew she would die soon. I am not a nurse, but had worked as a hospice volunteer services coordinator for 20 years at that point. My nieces were in denial as to their mother’s prognosis. After all, she had beat cancer once before. I was able to gently tell them what I was seeing, and they adjusted their work schedules to make sure one of them was with her 24/7 for what ended up being the next 9 days. If it were my husband or one of my children? Who knows? Maybe I too would find myself in denial. As you have admitted, it can happen even to the “experts”. May God grant you peace and comfort in your new reality.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Joanne for your kind thoughtful words. We just never know how we will respond to a life situation until we walk that particular path. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, thank you for writing this beautiful post. It is so transparent, so real and authentic, and reminds us that we all have deep emotional attachments that can get in the way of seeing What Is. That is so understandable and forgivable! There are far worse things than wanting our loved ones to go on living. We can be gentle with ourselves as we face our own imperfections and know that love is all that matters in the end. You and your beloved husband shared that love for many decades - what an inexpressible blessing. Holding you in my heart as you continue to navigate all the levels and aspects of the letting-go process…throughout the rest of your life.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, thank you for your very kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so important to see that others go through rough times. I am grateful that I had a wonderful Hospice Team with me during those last weeks of my husband’s journey. Your books helped me and I give those booklets out today to friends who are going through hard times.
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BK Books replied:
HI Anne, I am pleased to hear you had support from a hospice team and that my materials helped guide you. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Hi, Barbara. I am with you in spirit. When Larry was diagnosed 3 months prior to his transition, I went into denial which I believe, in looking back, was supported by the fact that he did not wish to talk about his diagnosis of S.4 cancer to the eyes that had metastasized from an unknown primary. We didn’t even talk much about it. Was my level of awareness stunted at that time? Oh, without a doubt. Then after his rapid transition from internal bleeding (still not knowing where the primary was), I fell into a pit that was so deep and so dark that my consciousness level was hovering around zero. This time the cause was not denial but the most horrible shock that I could imagine.
I understand denial, but as a hospice RN, I never imagined I would ever be in denial. All those years working in case management didn’t help me in any way to confront the fact that the love of my life for 38 years would soon be making his transition. I never even thought about it that much. That’s why the shock was so terribly jarring.
It has now been 10 months since his transition to the realms of higher consciousness, and though I feel every day that I am “healing,” I know in my heart I will never be “healed” completely. It was just all too much too quickly.
What keeps me moving forward instead of being frozen in time is my feeling of certainty that he is here with me, totally in my camp, helping me heal and to again feel whole and with purpose.
I ache for you, Barbara. If you ever need a listening ear, I offer my 40 years of listening as an RN. You know how you can get my number. I’d be happy to listen, and to the extent that I’m able, to give helpful information.
All the best to you, Paula Schneider
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BK Books replied:
Paula, thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your path in grief. Sometimes I think we who work in end of life, if we think about it on a personal level at all, think we will know just what to do. After all, we know all about dying and death. What we don’t know is how our emotions, our history will affect our experience. Thank you for reminding me. Blessings to you on the road we are both traveling. Barbara
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