As I travel this grief path I am seeing that many people don't know what to do or say to grievers. There can be awkwardness, even avoidance from people.
I remember when a friend’s son died and Jack and I were on the way to the visitation, husband Jack asked me what he could say to our friends. He didn’t know what to say and he knew there was really nothing he could do for them. I suggested he say just that, “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
There seem to be so many cliches that offer condolences. “I’m sorry for your loss,” “He is at peace now,” “He is with God,” I found no comfort there.
What I’ve learned in my grief is that words are just words. It is the intent of offering support, concern, affection that rides behind the words that matters. There was my comfort - people taking time to touch me.
Writing a note says more than the words in the note. It says I thought enough about you to take the time to send this correspondence. I have a friend that simply sent me a picture text each day for more than a month. I actually looked forward to those pictures - flowers, pets, the universe. Those texts said without words “I’m thinking of you.”
When do you call and say “can I come over with McDonald’s” or “let’s go to lunch”? How soon is too soon? I suppose that depends on the closeness of the relationship. A very close friend, anytime; a social friend, perhaps in a few weeks - a “get out of the house, I’m here if you need anything” kind of lunch.
I’ve noticed people are hesitant to talk about the person that died or use their name. By all means talk about our special person. Talk about “remember when,” about how they touched your life, and how much you cared about them.
Another thing to be aware of is we, grievers, will probably not reach out to you. We will not say “I need to talk with someone” or “I’m lonely and need a friend today.” We may even say “I can’t today.” But don’t give up on us. Keep reaching out. Keep being there.
These are just a few of my thoughts as I travel this new road of grief. I figure if I’m having these thoughts then so are others. Again, just something to think about.
Something More… about Grievers Probably Won't Reach Out To You
If you have a grieving friend, I suggest you look into gifting your friend a year's subscription of HelpTexts. They will be sent texts each week that will be supportive and tender from experts in the field. If that interests you, here is a discounted link: HelpTexts.
I also have a booklet that provides gentle guidance through the normal stages of grief and offers suggestions for moving forward into a meaningful life. Many use the booklet as a condolence card. It costs less than a greeting card and provides support to the griever.
18 comments
Praying for you. It’s not an easy journey but God walks beside you every step of the way. Thank
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Diana. Blessings! Barbara
Love to you, Barbara.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you. Barbara
Barbara, this really resonated. Our house burned down a year ago and it has surprised us that even some close, longtime friends have not known how to relate to us in this huge loss. Very few people have simply been there consistently over time, to check in with us and let us know they care. After a few months one acquaintance wrote, “You’re over this by now, right?” No, we are not over it and do not expect to ever be, just as we never get over losing a loved one. We lost our entire way of life, and you don’t just get over that. We are slowly moving on, grateful we survived the fire, and gradually transitioning to a new life in a new place. It is a process. Your perspective on the grief process applies to any type of loss, in my experience. Thank you for all the support you offer to us all, even as you grieve your beloved Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Karen, you are so right. We grieve for many things. Sudden death of a house is certainly one of them. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Thank you for addressing this. It is hard to know what is helpful whether you are the grieving person or the friend. I definitely noticed after my daughter died that many people had no idea what to say. I was aware that they were afraid of upsetting me especially if a memory brought on tears, but those tears help us to heal.
A couple of weeks after my daughter, Laura died, when I was back at work, one lady just gave me a big hug saying “I just wanted to give you a hug from one mom to another,” that made me feel good and her warm, heatfelt gesture stayed with me. Another lady gave me a hug and said “I don’t have any wonderful words of wisdom other than it won’t ALWAYS hurt this bad.” I hung onto her words and kept repeating them to myself through my darkest of days when I saw no light at the end of a very dark tunnel. They became my mantra even though I didn’t quite believe them. A few months later, I sent her a note telling her how powerful and helpful her words were for me. The two ladies I mentioned helped me more than they will ever know. God sent them ~ they were my angels.
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BK Books replied:
Joye, thank you so much for sharing your grief story. I hope your “angels” are still a part of your life. They are keepers. Blessings! Barbara
Ho Barbara,
I am starting a grief group at my church. We have lost so many parishioners, and there wasn’t one, so I stepped up because I am retired now and I can do it. I’m will check into your book about grief thank you for who you are and all that you do. May God bless you always. Love Nina Impala 💕
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nina, good for you, seeing a need and filling it. My booklet My Friend, I Care will help as will my book The Final Act of Living. Blessings to the good work you are doing. Barbara
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