It has been almost six months since my husband of 62 years died. As an end of life educator I have taught about loss and grief, and even written a booklet about it. BUT what I didn’t really understand were the emotional thoughts and feelings of grief. I couldn’t and didn’t understand because I had not walked in those particular shoes yet. Now I have.
I’ve shared thoughts with you during this grief journey. My thinking is if I am feeling a particular way, then others must also.
SO, here is what I have experienced recently that would appear “wrong.” I think others must have felt this way also but have not wanted to talk about it.
Caring for Jack in the last couple years of his life was hard work. Our relationship was in one of those marriage dips. I was frustrated with him. He was frustrated with me.
Then he died. For months, until recently, most of my thoughts about him have been on the negative times in our relationship - both recent times as well as those long-passed. The time he did this or that, the challenging times. I haven’t shared this with anyone because I thought it was disrespectful. Everyone was talking about how great he was and I was thinking about his flaws.
Gradually I am remembering some of the wonderful, good times we had. It’s like I had to process the negative to reach the positive.
So often when a person dies they are automatically elevated to sainthood. They become a perfect memory for all other relationships to be compared with. I hope by sharing this blog, you will consider how life is full of good and not-so-good experiences. In our grief we will process both the positive and the negative to make sense of how our lives intertwined with each other’s. For some, the challenging times are too hard to look at and process at all. For some, the positive will come first and the challenging later. For some it will be the challenging first to make way for the wonderful.
Something more… about Six Months After My Husband Died
I'm sharing a review from a fellow widow who used my booklets as she cared for her husband. Please let the caregivers you know who are navigating the dying process of a loved one that these booklets will help support them on their journey.
New 5 star review End of Life Guideline Series Bundle
I relied on the information in these booklets to help me navigate the latter portion of my husband's death. They were clear, logical, compassionate and empowering for me. They are a must for a spouse trying to do the right thing, guilt-free for someone near the end of life. I bought 2 more sets to offer friends should they need help also. ~Paula P.
37 comments
Thank you for sharing your personal journey. It brings encouragement to we who have not experienced the loss of a spouse but are caring for one at this time. It is difficult when a trying day happens to keep on the positive side when energy is running low.
Your booklets are very encouraging and helpful.
Blessings.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marilyn, my blessings are with you as you travel a caregiver’s road. Barbara
Barbara, thank you for sharing. My husband passed away in December 2023. In a marriage neither partner is perfect. I found that I needed to apologize to my husband, in the immediate aftermath of his death, about how I had not been the best partner, some things from many years in the past. I was initially tempted to elevate my husband to sainthood, but he was not perfect. We were both human and had our own unique faults. He was kind and loving to me to his last breath and for that I am eternally grateful. Susan
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, as you said “We were both human and had our own unique faults” so it is with all relationships. Thank you. Blessings! Barbara
I have been praying for you since hearing of your husband’s death and am so very sorry for your loss. My mother died recently as well so like you have been noting how much deeper my understanding of the grief journey is even after almost 8 years serving as a Chaplain mostly for people at end of life. It necessitated me leaving my role for now to be present to my soul – but grateful I am able to do just that. And grateful for your continued wisdom – and most especially authenticity to accompany me. Peace to us both and to our departed loved ones.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dawn, fellow grief traveler. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you for the good work you’re doing. Barbara
Hi Barbara. You are spot on in saying that we need to deal with the good memories and the not so good. We too were in one of those slumps when my husband’s accident occurred. His 6 week coma in a trauma center then moving to our health plans facility when he was stable enough for transport, was so very painful, especially since I was a stay home mom to our 9 yr old daughter. When he died everyone elevated him to sainthood. Our relationship was always one of peaks and valleys. I learned grief walks us through many avenues of the relationship. He passed in 1999 and I’m telling you there will forever be scents, sounds, visions ect that will bring up the good and not so good aspects of the relationship, and when you allow yourself to just feel those moments and be with them, you’ll know that you are processing your grief in a healthy manner. Blessings to you and you process your grief. And like others have said, I too but your packages of booklets to help others in their caregiving journey and in their walk of grief.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lori, thank you for sharing your experience and your reassuring words. Blessings to you and your daughter. Barbara
Thank you for sharing your feelings about your husband. I felt the same way and felt guilty when others would say how nice or how smart he was. Your writings help so many of us. You are a blessing.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Sandi. It helps to know we are not alone in our journey. I’m glad my sharing was helpful. Blessings! Barbara
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