It has been almost six months since my husband of 62 years died. As an end of life educator I have taught about loss and grief, and even written a booklet about it. BUT what I didn’t really understand were the emotional thoughts and feelings of grief. I couldn’t and didn’t understand because I had not walked in those particular shoes yet. Now I have.
I’ve shared thoughts with you during this grief journey. My thinking is if I am feeling a particular way, then others must also.
SO, here is what I have experienced recently that would appear “wrong.” I think others must have felt this way also but have not wanted to talk about it.
Caring for Jack in the last couple years of his life was hard work. Our relationship was in one of those marriage dips. I was frustrated with him. He was frustrated with me.
Then he died. For months, until recently, most of my thoughts about him have been on the negative times in our relationship - both recent times as well as those long-passed. The time he did this or that, the challenging times. I haven’t shared this with anyone because I thought it was disrespectful. Everyone was talking about how great he was and I was thinking about his flaws.
Gradually I am remembering some of the wonderful, good times we had. It’s like I had to process the negative to reach the positive.
So often when a person dies they are automatically elevated to sainthood. They become a perfect memory for all other relationships to be compared with. I hope by sharing this blog, you will consider how life is full of good and not-so-good experiences. In our grief we will process both the positive and the negative to make sense of how our lives intertwined with each other’s. For some, the challenging times are too hard to look at and process at all. For some, the positive will come first and the challenging later. For some it will be the challenging first to make way for the wonderful.
Something more… about Six Months After My Husband Died
I'm sharing a review from a fellow widow who used my booklets as she cared for her husband. Please let the caregivers you know who are navigating the dying process of a loved one that these booklets will help support them on their journey.
New 5 star review End of Life Guideline Series Bundle
I relied on the information in these booklets to help me navigate the latter portion of my husband's death. They were clear, logical, compassionate and empowering for me. They are a must for a spouse trying to do the right thing, guilt-free for someone near the end of life. I bought 2 more sets to offer friends should they need help also. ~Paula P.
37 comments
Dear Barbara, thank you for continuing to share your personal journey in such an open and honest way. My husband is still with me but in our mid seventies I’m very aware that anything could happen at any time to leave me alone and without him. As a practising Tibetan Buddhist I’m taught to be constantly aware of the imminence of death. As we age I noticed how we are changing, and yes, I seem to spend a lot of my time irritated and frustrated by domestic issues such as my husband’s forgetfulness and other difficulties. When I read your experience and that of others who have lost their partners I’m reminded to ask myself what would I miss when he’s gone? This question forces me to think about his qualities as opposed to the constant nagging frustrations. I would miss his loving kindness and constant support of the way I am too which isn’t easy! It helps me to redress my perspective. I forget again of course but then am reminded by something like reading your blog. From other losses such as with my mother I can see how one can remember only the good or difficult times in a relationship. Loss can also distort our memories. Yes it seems disrespectful to think badly of someone who left us and our culture says not to speak badly of the dead. But every relationship has aspects of both positive and negative. Remembering the love underlying both aspects seems to be the most honest and respectful way to both ourselves and the one who left. With much love and care, Joanna
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BK Books replied:
Joanna, thanks for sharing your support tools. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Joanna. My intent in my writings is for everyone to easily understand the information. Thank you for recognizing that. Blessings! Barbara
Again, you hit the nail on the head……….my husband of 64 yrs. passed two years ago, tomorrow, it was totally unexpected , he was not ill, or dealing with a terminal illness, our children, since he passed, idolize him, I can remember times that were not so good, and other human frailties, that we probably all have, at some time, in our lives. I can understand what qualities he exhibited, that they are remembering, and as a widow, it leaves you to deal with the rest, the times not so perfect and you can’t really voice that to anyone and certainly not to tarnish his memory, with your children
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BK Books replied:
Delilah, I have found that gradually my children are themselves bringing up family issues that were not so positive—-and then we have talked. Certainly there is no perfect relationship and we, as parents, don’t want to set the example that there is one. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Thank you for sharing these most frank comments about your husband and your relationship. I have not yet walked the road that your are, but that day may come sooner rather than later. At 81 we are definitely on the latter end of our earthly journey. I see signs of dementia in my husband of almost 59 years (his mother died of it), but he also has a couple of other serious health concerns that we are dealing with. I have often wondered about the feelings I may experience if I am the survivor. Our marriage was good, but it had its low points as all marriages do, but also lots of high points as well. When I am writing sympathy cards to others, I often tell them to concentrate on the love of family and friends and the happy memories to get them through this difficult time. I am sure I will feel as my maternal grandmother wrote in her diary, “The day I have long feared has finally arrived.”
I appreciate your candor in sharing your experience. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Sally, thank you for your comments. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
Your books were incredibly helpful to me as I cared for my husband over the six months that he was dying.
He passed in December and now I am facing the same feelings that you are.Time for another book!
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BK Books replied:
Thank Emmy. I’m thinking about a year or so from now. Too many lessons still to be learned about grief. Blessings! Barbara
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